If there was a label for the 2.5 months that I have been a senior in high school the option right in-between “Yikes” and “This is a Joke, Right?” would be “So, I Stayed Too Busy”.
I cannot blame anyone but myself for this predicament, because I basically planned to be too busy all year. I figured it would be the best way for me to function. I have found that I am seriously not alone in this belief that, “if I just stay too busy I won’t have time to stop and think”. It’s no secret that last year was kind of a mess, and as a result I was a mess. I went into senior year (along with many of my friends) believing that staying perhaps over engaged would be the best distraction. I was very concerned that I would immediately end up just like I was my junior year if I wasn’t constantly doing something. I was worried that if I had a second to think, or a minute of quiet, that things would blow up in my face. I really thought that if I stayed busy I wouldn’t start to care about the guy I was talking to, and I could stay not caring about the guy that I’m not supposed to care about. I thought that I wouldn’t have time to be anxious, or over analyze. I thought that if I focused on what I was doing I wouldn’t be so worried about future college decisions. I thought going and going and never taking a break would fix my problems. And it kind of makes sense doesn’t it? Isn’t it always what they tell you to do? Focus on you! Work hard! Always have something to do! This is great for a while, until this too blows up in your face.
I started realizing how overwhelmed I was when I started getting yelled at by my body. My body does this really great thing where when I get too stressed or too tired or I just haven’t stopped going, it completely shuts down. Before I know it I’m waking up from a much needed nap with a fever and am ten times more tired than when I went to sleep. My body forces me to take a day and do nothing. This has already happened twice this year, and to be completely honest, I’m surprised it hasn’t happened more. I knew senior year would be crazy, but whoever said junior year was the hardest really was delusional.
I am hoping that things are starting to return to a more normal, or at least more manageable, pace. I think (please everyone pray for me) that college applications are done, I might be dropping out of AP Calculus because honestly I just want my sanity back, and maybe I can start to focus on things that need attention that I actually enjoy doing. During my most recent full blown freak out two Mondays ago I realized I was really unhappy with something in my life and that I wasn’t spending as much time doing the things that bring me joy. I want to write more. I haven’t really blogged solidly in a year, and that really really bothers me. Me stopping blogging last year shouldn’t have happened, but it did and I can’t change that. While it would be for different reasons this year, I don’t want it to happen again.
To sum everything up, I’m coming back. It won’t be a ton of content all at once (it is still senior year), but I want to get more posts up. I want to try my hardest and I really hope y’all will stick this wild ride out with me.